A strange affair involving, a double-jointed nymphomaniac, an ice cold flat, Edith Piaf and an eight foot French tricolour..

I was working in the Silverware department in a ‘top’ store in Knightsbridge a few years back..I got to know this rather eccentric, wild flamed hair ex-dancer who was working in the store until she flew off to finland to become a nanny...are you with me so far. Good I shall continue..anyway, 2,4, 8 she invites me around to her flat in Acton the night before she was to fly off...being a guy and thinking, like the Cameo song - she’s strange..but I like it, I went back to her flat..huge, massive, brontausaurus size mistake…

We got into the flat...I thought she had been burgled..there was a couch, a hi-fi, a table and that was about it..she had sent all her furniture into storage..not only that she’s had the heating turned off: anyways she cuts straight to the case: she stripped me naked, went over to the hi-fi and cranked it up as Edith Piaf can blasting out: next things she stripping in front of me then cavorting and dancing around in such away I never knew the human body could do those things..eventually she realises I’m shivering and my meat and two veg have shrunk to the size of a cucumber (ok I exaggerate, I’m a guy) so runs out of the room: next thing she comes into the room with a huge, huge...tricolour.

She stands next to me a the next thing I know she has mummified us in the tricolour so tightly I can barely move..we waddle over to the couch where she then turns into an animal inside the tricolour: scratching, biting, screaming whilst trying to ‘make love’ to me..I fought her off as long as possible..but eventually gave in..she then proceeded to have sex with me in every possible dance pose as possible..

I woke up the next morning with welts down my back, a black eye and a badly bitten, swollen lip and a terrible ache between my legs....as I left she asked me if I wanted to visit her in Finland...I replied if I ever did I would bring protection with me....twwo bouncers!

I assure you this is true story...some very strange things have happened to me so look out for more of the fantastical...remember...fact is stranger then fiction…

Cheers, Pete