Noosa is a pretty town and a hang out for the rich and famous when they are so inclined. Bono and Mick Jagger have been here at some point. Then again, they’ve been around those two, it’s not really a surprise. The first night I broke my foot.

“Broke your foot? How?” I hear you scream at your computers.

“I don’t know. I was drunk” is my matter of fact answer. I can’t recall. We were out and dancing. We were walking home. I started limping. I remember limping, just not what came directly before it. I’d like to believe it was something to do with ninjas. I have since been told that a shark attack is more plausible in the current vicinity. Maybe a story involving a surfing accident?  What follows is a dramatic re-enactment of the events that may have occurred.

Riley was making his way home down the hill after a night of drinking and dancing. He was feeling like it was too early to go home, and his watch informed him that it was high tide and the surf was most definitely up. Abandoning the group of hangers-on that frequently swarmed around him showering him with adoration, he grabbed his X250B silver surf board from the foliage he’d earlier stashed it in and paced meaningfully toward the beach.

The water was shimmering with pure white moonlight as Riley launched himself into the tepid night waters and paddled quickly out into the open water.  Spotting his target, he started to turn the board to meet the approaching wave and deftly perching atop his prize, Riley pounced up onto his feet. Angling up and down the wave with sharp foot movements, Riley surveyed the coastline.  Everything was a glistening monochrome under the full moonlight and the beach was a stretch of ivory with the silhouette of the monstrous palm trees pinning it down to the sea. Just then, Riley noticed something he’d been half-expecting, but hoping against. Three black-clad figures suddenly emerged from the shadowy mainland.

“Ninjas!” Riley exclaimed to himself.

The three figures ran down the sand to the water’s edge without making an impression on the sand. The one closest to Riley withdrew a sparkling whistle from his robes and put it too his lips. Out on the ocean, Riley heard the noise and recognised it instantly. It was a shark whistle.

“Ninja Sharks!” Riley gasped as the water broke and a giant white leapt out of the surf to Riley’s right. Spinning the board with all his might, Riley caught the shark with the back on his board and sped down the front of the wave.  The shark, momentarily fazed, turned away. Riley thought this would give him some more time to ride the wave to safety, but the shark seemed to have recovered from this initial knock. As the great white powerfully contorted it’s body to come back up at Riley, Riley knew he had only one chance. Throwing the board 180 degrees, Riley drove fast up the wave’s front as the shark came in for the kill. The shark was within only one foot of him as Riley accelerated the board off the top of the wave and grabbed hold of the board to pull of a heart-stopping jump. Spinning the board in the air, Riley saw the shark’s head emerge from the surface of the water, lunging with it’s open mouth. Riley landed the nose of his board directly into the shark’s mouth, diving over the shark as the shark engulfed half of the razor-sharp X250B. Riley swam for shore as the shark bit down on the fibreglass board, tearing it in two. As Riley neared the beach, he chanced a glance back at the angry shark. It had devoured the board entirely, and had finally turned it’s eye to mare appetising fare. It was going to be close, but Riley could almost find the sand beneath his feet as the shark closed in. Racing out of the water, Riley span to see the shark still coming, even in the shallow water. It beached itself inches from Riley’s feet, gnashing it’s knife-like teeth as it ground to a halt. Riley dealt a quick kick to the shark’s nose, forcing it back down into the water.

Danger over, Riley started to sigh and then caught himself. Looking over his shoulder, Riley spied the agile assassins speed down the beach towards him.

“I need a weapon.” Riley muttered, looking around him. The sand was peppered with a handful of shells, small and large. Riley’s eyes lit up as he grabbed hold of a cuttlefish nearby. The shark was still thrashing in the shallows, desperate to feast on it’s rare delicacy. As he twisted to face the ninjas, Riley picked up a handful of wet sand, compacting it in his fist. Releasing the sand bullet into the lead ninja’s eyes, Riley lunged forward, spinning in the air to elbow the ninja in the back of the head. The ninja fell heavily, and Riley could sense trepidation in his other adversaries. Having landed on his feet, Riley sprang forwards again, directly in between the ninjas, coiling his body. When the moment was right, Riley sprung his left foot and right arm out, extending his body. One ninja fell straight to the floor, dead. His throat slashed by the cuttlefish, the other ninja stumbled back. As Riley regained his footing, he delivered another kick to the ninja’s chest. The effect was decisive. Within a moment, the shark had found it’s meal in the high tide and the third ninja disappeared in an explosion of black cloth and blood.

By this time the first ninja had recovered. The battle that followed was so epic that it defies description. Needless to say, Riley stood over his fallen enemy with a look of satisfaction. “I’ll spare you this time. Tell your boss not to come looking for me again or I’ll find him. Find him and kill him.” Riley marched off back up the hill to the hostel where he had been staying. Almost at the door, Riley felt a sudden familiar pull. “Arg! Gravity!” yelped Riley as he fell off the kerb and twisted his ankle.

So there we go. That’s the story. It’s all true. Names, places and events may have been changed to protect the innocent. In honesty, I fear it really was something to do with a vicious kerb and not ninjas, but who can tell, right?