After eight months of travelling Europe and Australia with my best friend Joe we’ve finally split. Tonight’s my first night of solo travel. As I sit outside a train station in Sydney, Australia, I think I’d better meet some new friends and as an old man takes the spot next to me on my bench, I figure this is as good of a place to start as any. I start a conversation the old dude who says, "take me business card," I look at his business card and see no referance to any business, but at least it is a card. Upon examination I see his name (Neil), his mobile’s number and a picture of a clip-art owl. He tells me that if I am ever in trouble he will come save me in his bus (he lives in a bus). No matter where I am in Oz, he’ll come save me on his bus. No matter the trouble, all I have to do is call the magic number on his card.

Neil then continues, "Ye can’t never be too careful, bein a backpacker ye know. If a backpacker was to be killed nobody’d know ye know. They cou’just dis’ppear unnoticed if ye know what I mean." I consider the old man’s advice. I am travelling alone now, so I guess I should be careful.

Then, he exclaims, "ye must be hungry!" I concur, my belly is rumbling. He insists on buying me some Hungry Jack’s (Burger King down under). I check my mental list of do’s and don’ts: Accept candy from strange old men..don’t. Accept burgers from strange old men...hmmm...I was never told what to do here...my rumbling belly decides for me, "do it". So, we head inside and walk over to The Hungry Jacks located at the end of the train platforms. He buys me 2 Whoppers and says "It’s the least I can do ye bein a poor backpacker’n all, ye know what I mean."

I’m touched by this random act of kindness. I figure traveling alone is not half bad at all. I’ve only been by myself for a few hours and look at the nice people I’m already meeting! I am halfway through the first whopper when I look at my watch and see that, "fuck my train leaves in 3 minutes!" I jump up, grab my whoppers and bolt towards the train. I see it slowly starting to pickup speed, but I’m still so far away. I trip up on my thongs. I kick them thongs off, pick ‘em up and bolt forwards again. But it’s all in vain, the train is unreachable. I watch it slowly disappear and I throw my thongs against the wall in futile gesture of frustration. "Fuck!" An old lady standing at the ticket counter looks alarmed and hides behind her hand bag.

As I begin to walk away, head hanging defeated, my old man friend comes hobbling up. "Quick we’ll catch it at te next station", he screams.

"FUCK ya!", I think. We jump into his rusted blue Holden and slam on the gas. Tires squealing, my head goes flying back and we’re off!

"We’ll miss the train at the next stop there," he says, " It’ll be there in eh...," he glances at his watch, "6 minutes, but if I get me Holden on the motorway and me speed at 130 we can catch it at the next one, ye know what I mean." His fat hands are locked with determination to the top of his steering wheel. His wide set eyes glint rhythmically in the passing street lights. I can tell I don’t have a choice. I’ve been hijacked.

"I wonder how far that is?" I ask aloud.

"200 clicks er so, ye know what I mean" he slams the peddle down and before the realization of the absurdity hits me the Holden’s hitting the motorway going 120.

"It comes down to this", he sums, "we can either try’n catch up, me wastin, er 400 clicks of petrol, or you can catch’er tomorrow." Racing the train does sound interesting but the time frame just might be impossible!

"Kay, I’ll just take the train tomorrow then," I answer. Neil’s shoulders relax as he visibly exhales his tension.

Suddenly, we take an extreme right into an unlight drive. We float quickly over a rolly road down into a hole of a suburb. The Holden flies through the shadowy path, dodging pot holes and puddles.

Until a sudden stop.

Neil puts ‘er in reverse, swings back, forward, stops. We sit in his cooling Holden in front of a large generic yellow school bus. It does not take me long to realize, this is not my hostel. I become a little nervous, and confused, and possibly somewhat confuzzled. I am craving a cigarette very much so.

As I begin to roll my tobacco he says, "There’s me bus" Once again I’m right on top of the situation and I quickly realize that the nutter has taken me to his buslike homestead...Er homelike bustead. "I’ll just check on me dog and then we’ll be off." Damn straight we’ll be off I mutter to myself. Lighting my dart I get out of the car. I get my passport form my pack and stick it in my pocket. Looking for street signs and or landmarks I spot nothing. The signless street stretches on endlessly with generic shadows dilapidated housing. I text Paertra and ask "What’s a cab number for Sydney."

The bus door swings open and out pops Neil saying "Ye know, I got plenty of room there in me bus if you want to sleep there, but you know Im a bit ofa nudist, and I wont have nothin’ but nudists in tere with me, ye know what I mean?" I think I do know what he means. I think he means he means to rape me, kill me and drive off in his generic bus, owl business cards and all, never to be found. Though there is a lack of streetlights, his wide eyes continue to glint rhythmically. I shudder.

"I am just going to have a cigarette and finish texting my boss." I state. The train was supposed to take me to my fruit picking job. I edit the text to Paetra and resend it saying I need the emergency number for aus. I then text my ozzie mates and ask for the emergency number. I try and reason calm into my psyche. "It’s just the joint you smoked a while back. You’re just paranoid.," I reassure myself.

Neil says "no come’n smoke inside me bus" I think if I stay right by the door, cellphone in one hand, Ill be alright. I dont want to piss this weirdo off, so I oblige, to be polite. Just until I can get a police and/or cab number, then I’m outta here. I could just ditch on foot, but then I’d be out in the middle of Buck futt nowhere with a full pack on my back. I’ll make sure he’s a killer before I have to walk that far. He could just really be a nudist after all. His chubby dog waddles up to me. Grey tail a wagging. I pat him on the head.

I gently puff my cigarette and survey the bus. He’s installed all the basic amenities: kitchen counters, tables and sink, shower, bathroom etc. Everything is grimy, but practical. My paranoia starts to creep up again and I begin to visualize all sorts of gruesome rape and torture scenes taking place inside this bus. "How many backpackers has he led back here?" I wonder. Neil’s moving stuff around in his bedroom and I assume he’s grabbing a rusty axe, or maybe a saw or knife or just a bat to bludgeon me with. His chubby dog is looking up at me. Big cute brown eyes wagging. I wonder if Neil feeds his victims’ corpses to his dog. Bit by bit. Fat little bastard. Is that why the pooch is so happy to see me? The damn dog must know his next meal is coming.

I roll and light another cigarette. It is time to come up with some escape plans. OH! His beloved dog is next to me. I could always take it hostage. With that knife on the kitchen counter! I picture myself backing out of the bus with the knife to the dogs throat. "Ooo, a knife," I think. I pocket the knife. Hmm, I could just kick him in his gibbled legs and run. Or, just tackle the son bitch I guess, he is just an old man. Hmm, but what if he’s grabbing a chainsaw right now. Neil appears from the backroom. He’s wearing a large smile and he’s carrying no visible weapon.

As we both move to sit down at the kitchen table Neil says, "ye know you better shower tonight, I wont have no dirty people sleeping in my bed"...So, he expects me to be a nudist AND sleep in his bed AND shower. That is the creepiest list of demands you could ever make on a random stranger. What the fuck. I receive a replying text with the emergency/cab number and I dial it in my phone to be ready. I exit the bus.

I call back "I don’t want to be a bother, I’ll just go get a hostel and hop on the train tomorrow morning."

"but if I didnt buy you them whoppers you wouldnt have missed the train and you made me feel bad because it’s all my fault you missed your train."

"No worries. I shoulda watched the time, I’m just going to go call a cab, thanks for everything though."

"but I thought we could visit, ye know. What about me company? I’m lonely ye know.
That’s depression for ya ye know."

I say, "I’ll go to my hostel, drop my bag off and then meet you for a beer" Neil says that will do. I dial the cab number but then he tells me how he used to be a cabby so he might as well drive me. I say alright, and think at least that’s cheaper than a real cab. I hop into his car with the knife in one hand and my phone in the other. Ill be alright. He then, suprisingly, takes me right back to town. I feel bad for possibly misjudging this crazy old nudist man. I decide to keep my word and go out for a beer with him. I go into the hostel book a room, and drop my bag. I can’t believe I’m willingly going back to meet up with this serial killer.

He picks a bar (it is his town) just down the street. It’s a members only club. We go through armed gaurds. Upstairs, It’s VLTs everywhere. Kinda let down. The old man drops 150 dollars immedietaly into a VLT. He receives only whirring, beeping and flashing lights in return. I begin to take notice of my surroundings. Definitly none of the women in this bar are really women. The creepy, crippled crazy old nudist psycho dude is now a creepy crippled crazy old nudist psycho homosexual. I guess I probably could have guessed that. Oh well. I pound my beers (he bought me 3 at once) and say "it’s time to
go" Reluctantly, he slides off his stool away from the slots and we meander through
the blatantly gay/gambling addicted crowd back to the entrance.  I have to pee but for the life of
me I am not going to expose myself in this joint. Mmm a joint would be good right about now.

We hop into his Holden bound for my hostel but then suddenly we are back on the motorway going 130 again. "What the fuck" I say. I grab the knife from under the seat and conceal it at my side. I dial the emergency number into my mobile again.

"well I made you miss your train I might as well take you for a tour of Sydney" Too bad we aren’t in Sydney, unless Sydney is a bleak industrial park in the middle of buck futt nowhere. I get ready to stab him in the throat and hit the send key on my phone when he says, "see this is the old restroom pick-up. When it was illegal for gays to meet in oz they used to come to trucker bathrooms, and get each others rocks off in the stalls." this is his tour of sydney. what the fuck. I tell him thats awesome but I’m going back to my hostel. I go to get out and he says "Sure thing, I’ll drive ya back." I think either I’m going to pay for a cab or else I can try one more time with the crazy dude. But the crazy dude’s ride is free…

"Ok" I say and settle back down. We’re back on the motor way shooting for Sydney. When, all of a sudden, we take an extreme left and we’re back at his bus. How does he do that? Jeeze. I sense a stabbing coming on.

He tells me that he just wants to check on his dog again. I move to not move and wait in the car but he insists that I get out to come look at the dents on his bumper. Apparently he’s had a hit ‘n run. I take the knife with me. I can feel the sharp blade against my thigh, I am almost cutting myself.There are no dents. "What the fuck are you talkin about Neil, there’s nothing there. Go feed your dog."

"See I look at it this way, you’re half way across the world, nobody’s going to know if you just get
your rocks off with me, I’m not talkin anul, thats too dangerous with aids and hepatitis ye know what I mean, but if i was to get you off or we were to have a wank together nobody would know you know what I mean."

"Yea I’m going to pass on that. Let’s say I don’t do that and instead I go sleep in my hostel. Without you. You creepy fuck."

"Okay" he says. As we’re driving down the motorway (again) he says that if I ever wanted to travel oz. he would look after me. free rent. free food. all I would have to do is abide by his nudist rules. I say Ill think about it after I am done with the fruit farms. HA! I see my hostel and my feet hit the ground running.