With the anticipation of a mouthwatering English roast, I jump on the tube. I know that the lunch I am about to receive will be extraordinarily good. You see, my girlfriend is about too make me her special stuffed chicken. She is just a wonderful cook. I am not even saying that under duress, she really is! The chicken is succulent, potatoes golden and crispy, and veggies crunchy and fresh. MMMMM, awesome! So I am on the tube, salivating at this forthcoming lunch she has slaved 2 hours over. I have to get from south London to zone 4 in the north and I am in a hurry, but it’s a bit of a journey so wish I brought a book or something. With nothing to do, I naturally start reading the adverts. After reading these adverts 8 times, a mid-aged couple get on board.

I notice they are tourists. The gimmicky paraphernalia, postcards and a little English flag easily give them away. This couple, who looked like they come from South East Asia somewhere, sit across me. The lady sits down, ever so gently to the left facing me, and her husband flops in his chair directly across me. "Strange way to sit" I ponder. He leans his head back, eyes closed and rolls his head onto her shoulder to the left and looks to drift off into a sleep. "How cute", I now think looking at the adverts for a 9th time. Maybe they have been walking all over London and he is knackered. The tourist thing can be quite tiring you know. The train accelerates, his head rolls from her shoulder, from the left to the right. It now seems to be resting on a cushion of fresh air on the other side. That is weird, he must be really tired. With his body seated dead straight and his head bent 90 degrees, uncomfortably to the right, it bouncing in union to the bumpy ride of the tube. "Ouch, he is going to be in pain tomorrow" I smirk. As waft of stale beer smell reaches me, I soon realise he is not tired but has been testing the local lager and ales - and is hammered. The train stops and his head swings in a massive arc and rests back on his ladies shoulder to the left again. Bemused, the passengers disembarking stare in wonder at this strange event as the new audience of tube riders unwittingly get on and move through the carriage. Same thing, the train pulls off, his head swings back to the right, bounces for 5 minutes between the station and then flops back on her shoulder when the train stops. Really amusing! His wife is trying to deny the situation by avoiding all eye contact. She is clearly sober. After 5 stops he starts mumbling at her. A niggling thought from past experiences comes rushing from the back of my head. I think this guy might get sick! And I am sitting across him!

In a little panic, I calmly move 2 seats to the right. His lady looks at me with an unconvinced understanding at this awkward situation. Shame, the lady is so embarrassed. About 5 stops until the end of my journey, this girl gets on. She has these lovely shiny black boots and by the way she struts, she is obviously very proud of them. Despite some seats being open she sits right next to me, on my left. There is an empty seat across the drunk guy now. She is absolutely clueless to the current scenario. Only of course until the train pulls away and the fiasco reveals itself. She starts looking for another seat, but it to late. He starts getting sick!!! It splashes on the floor and bounces onto her boots. There are these orange flecks, large and small, all over her shiny black boots. Poor lady! I am so glad I moved and have the protection of her boots from the misty beige spray. Her boots and her bag takes the brunt of another hit. The drunk guys wife hurriedly tries to remedy the situation. She claws through her bag to find something. The puking husband, unaware of what he has done, is mumbling even more now as he starts to drift out of unconsciousness. The girl next to me, now with straight legs, has her shiny boots hovering diagonally in the air with a horrid expression. He lets another one go. Its like a chaotic scene from "Jackass"! The boots girl quickly gets up between a contraction and tries to escape this madness. Without her protection and exposed, I do the same quickly. The whole train watches from a distance, from the edge of the 5 meter kill zone, the radius is cleared of all people. The only thing the wife can find is plastic shopping bag as we all watch on. She holds his head like an infants and tries to clean him. The hideous thing is, as she wipes, the plastic bag is only making things worse. She is just spreading the mess all over his face. A plastic bag is not known for its absorbing qualities you know. It looks like she is putting peanut butter on a sandwich. Talk about making a situation worse!

I get to my destination - finally!

I get off the train confused, out of this hazardous and contaminated area. I get above ground to the fresh air. I think "my beautiful Sunday lunch is ruined". London, especially the tube reveals many unconventional situations, this being one of them.